Who else might I have been?

That’s a tough question. This prompt from Sunday Scribbles sparked a lot of thought, as I’m currently in a personal lurch, thinking about just who I am, where I’ve been, where I belong and where I’m going. I’m not a fatalist, but I like to think that people meet for a reason and that the people I’ve come into contact with are with me to teach me something. So many important people in my life were not ones I sought out. I’m shy by nature, sometimes quite frustratingly so. Working alone only compounds that.
The movie Run Lola Run really reflects what I feel about the casual contacts of life - the main character lives through the same situation 3 times and each time, you see how her interaction with certain characters changes their lives, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better, with tiny moments changing everything for her. It really formed an opinion for me about how we influence the lives of others, even total strangers. I guess it’s why I am so adamant about being nice to people and trying to make the world a better place. For example, I often wonder just where I’d be if I hadn’t met my husband. I met my husband by chance when he was videotaping my friend’s wedding. I knew who he was as we’d gone to the same college, but I’d never gotten around to talking to him much. After the wedding was over a mutual friend was hitting on me and asking me out for coffee and I basically commandeered him to come along with us. We were fast friends and fell in love soon after. And I still love him…and most days I like him too.
But I digress.
I believe if I had never met my husband I would still be a scientist. I might be off gathering samples in rainforests or hunting cures in Level 4 facilities, but I’d still have a deep thirst for knowing how and why things work. Perhaps I would have a different perspective on things. Maybe I’d be a archeologist or an aid nurse. Who knows? When you have a partner, often your ideas merge together or you do what you need to do make life work. I’d love to do grad studies, but we can’t afford it. Often times I feel that people merge too much and you have to take a step back and make the chalk outlines around yourself to redefine your boundaries…that’s where I feel like I’m at right now – blurry and abstract-like a camera out of focus. Your past is very clear but your future…well there’s no telling where it could go. Maybe it’s why I’m being introspective and not writing a story about my future self. I wonder about how much of my life has shaped who I am. And how I’ll shape that future self.
I wonder often, what if I’d come from a broken home? My parents aren’t perfect, but they love each other. I’ve never worried that they wouldn’t be together. Maybe I’d have a different attitude towards love and relationships if they had not been happy. Maybe I’d be more honest with myself. Maybe I’d trust less. I’m not sure which would be better…or worse.
The thing is, in a different life, I’d likely be more independent than I am now. Without a social partner to make banter and small talk I would be challenged to be more outgoing and discover what I like, as I remember being many years ago. Then again, I’m just as likely to have met someone else who would have fit the same role. I like to think I’d be a social butterfly, but the truth is that is not likely. I’m more of a lady bug or dragonfly I guess – labrats don’t get a lot of socializing! I seem to be destined to be the helper who is there when you need her, supportive and smiling and as a result I envy those with social graces and the ability to enter a room confidently and chat up whomever they please. Part of this level of thinking prompted me to conclude in the midst of writing this that I need to live my life as though I were single for a while– not to be alone or because I was unhappy as a couple, but because I felt that I was getting lost in the daily muddle of life. That I had to rediscover what and who I am and be “me”…to not be caught up in the day to day things and pay attention to what I need. To just live life and do the things I enjoy and put up with the rest of the crap that comes along, not looking for worries when there are none. I tend to worry about my self and what I need after putting everyone else first, and need to stop just being someone who gets things done and always has a smile on your face. When you put others first you start to fade away. When people ask you for opinions you don’t have them. That’s sad. That’s why I’m sad today as I write this. Sad for the me that seems to have wandered off and I can't find her.
Honestly I’m terrified of ending up like the couple in the song Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie:

“You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
These wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below
who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside
And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
'Cause now we say goodnight
From our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me as our december sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be”

It is my solemn prayer and vow to not end up like this.
It is also my solemn vow to go get a cup of coffee.
Cya.