Friday, January 29, 2010

"Swallowed In The Sea"

Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me...

Been in my head all morning...makes me think of J. And smile.
Have a great day :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...

My dad has arrived for a visit for a while. He's going to putter and do renos on our kitchen and just be around us for a while. I hope it'll help him to be here. We're going to go shopping today together to find him some clothes - he used to do everything with Mum and now he's at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I figure I can at least help him pick stuff easy to wash and keep him company. I'm glad he's here so he's not on his own anymore...
While he's here I'm trying to find the balance between doing everything for him and helping/teaching him do stuff so he can more easily adjust to things as they are now. My first instinct is to do everything and I know it's not right. He's on his own now...he just finds it frustrating because if he has a question to ask about stuff Mum isn't there to tell him things so he has to just "guess" at what to do on some chores. It's not like he didn't do things himself before...he just didn't file away the details much, as he always had someone to ask. Nothing makes you feel lonely like that does...
It'll be nice to have him here for a while...I can't imagine what it's like for him. When you marry your best friend and then they're gone? Wow. I know for me, now that he's here, it's like she's just going to walk in the room any minute now. It's going to take a long time to get over that feeling.
It's his birthday tomorrow so we're taking him out for supper. His favourite thing is raisin pie...I admit to having no idea how to make it (I *hate* raisin pie - way too sweet) but I'll try and track down a recipe to make him one on the weekend...Mum used to make him one on his birthday. It just seems like the thing to do...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Note to self: do not throw a major wobbler. It'll work itself out eventually...

Having been "out of it" at work for a while for understandable reasons, I am trying to get back up to speed and concentrate and work on things and get going again. I do the things I do with and for others so we all need to be on the same page so we all do what we need to and don't have to repeat things or miss thigns. Plus there's always personal bias popping in to cloud things on mine and their ends...

The long and the short of it is this: Today I am getting exceptionally tired of hearing "oh didn't you know that? I'm sure we told you that? You really should have asked first..."


How do I ask about something if I don't know it even exists? How do I even know I need to ask?

I want to give everyone I work for a list of questions while they are in the same room so I know all I REALLY need to know and not just think I know all I really need to know. I'm working on a system for that.

Cause, THEN I'll be all groovy and like "hey there, what can I do for you?" with a labcoat and a monacle and all that razmatazz. Ya dig?

(I admit to being rather emotionally wobbly at the moment it's not the best combination)

Deep breaths. That's the key...

image source

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The House In The Middle (Nuclear Attack Protection)

This propeganda film from the 50's film cracks me up...apparently if you keep your house neurotically clean you too will survive a nuclear blast (while all around you perish in firey DOOOOOM!)
Uh huh.
Yup - that's the ticket to safety - a tidy house and yard!

If *that* house is cluttered and unkempt I am so screwed...

mee hee


Monday, January 25, 2010

Snow day...OK almost

It snowed all weekend here. Enough to warrant a Environment Canada blizzard warning and a shut down/super reduction in transit yesterday and today. Which for here means a shitload of snow. The buses couldn't run because they all got stuck! snowed.
Thankfully I was smart and went in and did some MSc work and ran errands saturday before the snow had piled up too much so that sunday J and I could stay inside (except for some snow shovelling) and clean and organise and watch movies and make delicious matar paneer and just relax. Why go out in that when you dont' have to?

This morning they still haven't cleared a lot of the main roads and (for some reason) people forget how to drive in snow every year, so it's been a slow start to the day so far. It's been really mild the past few weeks here (so nice) but apparently winter is back now.
I've arrived and should get to it...
Have a good day all. Don't get buried under all the snow, K?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The hills are alive with the sounds of music

Makes me laugh out loud

Come with us and leave your earth behind

Space spelunking anyone?
I've had this song in my head since I woke up this I worked out to the album this morning and MAN, I feel really good...

Good morning. :)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Up and Down

Yesterday was a tough day.
Today feels better already.

I'm getting started on the first bits of my Master's project. It's giving me something exciting to focus on. Nothing like scheming and planning my OWN mad science project!

Yes...Danny Elfman was awesome, even then...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Down the rabbit hole

Is it selfish of me to want to be able to enjoy something thoroughly without flashes or floods of memories that remind me I have lost my Mother?

I really don't mean any disrespect. My loss is real. Tangible.
And it's strange...I'm not held captive by's just that I walk around in a world where I have things to do and see and feel and I feel as though I'm swimming. Like the air is slowing down the sound.
But only sometimes.

I just don't know how to *do* this...the scientist in me wants a manual. A book of what to do.

"A + B X C for X number of weeks and you'll be "OK".
Whatever that means.

It's just so weird.
I know I must focus on what I feel to deal with it.
And yet sometimes I just want to *not* think about it. To just be. And still, I know I will reach a point where I no longer think about it all the time ...and then I am sure I will feel guilty for that too.

Yup. It's nutsville right now...

Just blurbing it all out to get it straight.
Don't mind me...

There is nothing new under the sun...

I was out pretending to be a normal person on the weekend at a local art event and was talking with J and my friend Chris about something I keep coming back to in my head - setting up a periodic table of cheeses (what?). I mean, think about it: you've got distinctions due to hardness, sharpness, colour, a row at the bottom for man made and difficult to make cheeses. You could have a columns of the blue cheeses...etc. etc. etc. I really love cheese. I've really thought about this...perhaps more than necessary. Personally I kept thinking if I ever have a month or so and a lot of money to buy all kinds of cheeses (and nothing else to do), I can figure it out. Beats trying to knit something. I already know I suck at that...

Chris (the eternal optimist) said he has started to Google his "eureka thoughts", as 99% of the time it's already out there - which is a bit disappointing, but albeit a large time saver. Plus, you tend to learn something while you're at it. So, seeing as we were at a live art thingy at the local gallery (complete with dancing bearded lady and a fat lady who sang at the end. Honest.) we walked up to Yann Martel (author of Life of Pi and our local Scholar in Residence) who was doing a bit of a live art performance majiggy by writing his bi-monthly letter to Stephen Harper suggesting a book to read, including what people at the event suggested he read (bet you can't guess which one is from me...). He was amused at our question and was good enough to google it for us right then and there.
And sure enough- it appears that it was already thunked up.
BUT-I don't mind being beaten by a 19th century blind Russian cook (Anatoli Grigor Konchalovsky). I am not entirely sure if this is true or not - I must do more searching to prove it so...part of me secretly hopes it is not- then I can still do it.

Otherwise, I will have to examine his table and see if I agree.
You know, for the good of science and all that...

Glad to know other people out there love cheese as much as I do.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Random thoughts

I was in the hospital, pulling case slides for a project today. So many slides...a room of banks of many numbers...and every number a person. A person who gave tissue for biopsy diagnosis. Walls of drawers...

There's a sign in the room that says "Every number is a person. And they thank you."

I like.

J just brought me a cold Black Cat lager.
This I also like.

Last night I saw Men Who Stare at Goats. It's up there with Moon for great films of the last year for me...
I liked it too.

The world gets 10 points for being so likable today.

Friday, January 15, 2010

It'll do for now...

I'm feeling blisteringly optimistic today.


Can't figure it out, but considering the strangeness of the last few weeks I have to say,

feeling happy is nice...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Calm after the storm

It's so quiet now.
I'm back home from my Dad's...Mum's funeral is over and I feel both wooden and peaceful. And tired. It was so great to see all of my family and see so many people I have not seen in years...and Mum's memorial was very sad, but wonderful. She would have loved it. She was a wonderful woman. Sometime when I feel I can, I'll post a bit of a memorial. Right now...its not time yet.
It seems so strange to be back home, and having to just "go back to normal".
I'm so glad my Dad is going to come stay with us for a while to work on renovations for our kitchen...then he won't be alone too much at first. It's the hardest part really - seeing your father so devastated. I know he'll be OK eventually. We all will...
It warms my heart to know how many people loved her and hear all their kind words...but I'd trade it all to have her back.
I miss her.

And I want to ask all of you out there - please when you run into people on the street, unless you actually care or really want to know PLEASE don't ask them "how are you?" I got that all the time while Mum was sick and after she died. Not only did I not always want to talk about things...but sometimes I could tell they didn't want to know and didn't care, and the last thing they would expect (often not knowing what was going on) would be for me to start sniffling and looking at my feet. It was not concern but just the tacky reduced equivalent of a hello...which when your life is floating away into tiny bits and all you want to do is hug your Mum and you can't is a very hollow experience.
I will say, all my friends and family have been wonderful. I know that in time I will be OK. I'm strangely peaceful about everything, despite the sadness. I'm so glad I got to say everything I wanted to and just be with her and my family up until the end of it all.
I'm just not entirely sure how to get back into life'll be strange.
Thank you. All of you.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Monday, January 04, 2010

Nominee for sainthood

I am seriously considering nominating my Mum for sainthood. The woman's strength and faith never cease to amaze me.
It has been a long week...good and bad in many ways. My sister flew down New Year's Day to visit for a week and I am very glad she is here. It has been a real time for family closeness - my family is strongest when together and we are able to lean on each other. It has meant a lot to Mum that we are all here and able to really visit, even though I know she'd rather be home. My sis wanted to come and visit and not just come when it was "too late" and I completely agree with her thinking. She's been a great comfort and company for Mum and Dad, as my brother and I cannot get away from all our obligations (curse you work).
And poor Mum...Mum is comfortable, but I am sad to say that it is looking more and more like there may not be too much they can do for her heart. She is simply old and weak, and her poor heart is just not very strong, and has many many problems. She is not in pain, which I am eternally grateful for, but is so very tired and her appetite is not good. She's got excellent care and they are doing what they can for her, but the fluid is still staying with her so she is always short of breath. If we are very lucky she might get to come home and rest there, but I'm starting to think that may be too hopeful...we shall see.

I was up today and had lunch with her. She had soup and a bit of fruit as she's just not hungry...she seemed a bit down, as she had a procedure this morning to try and clear out her lungs a bit-they drained one side. She said it helped for a little while, but her breathing sounded worse to me by the time I got there. I was really hoping it would give her a few days of relief and a bit easier time of it, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I could tell she was very dissapointed...but she never said anything negative. Unbelievable.
She has lots of visitors to help her pass the time, and lots of family are coming to visit from all over, but sometimes...well, she just looks so sad. I can't imagine what it's like to have time to think and have come to terms with your own mortality like that.
She really is a saint though - still smiles and talks when she can and never complains. Never.
She is calm and mostly at peace with everything, and honestly ready for whatever happens. She's not angry or bitter, even when she is disappointed like she was this morning from the procedure not helping very much. I know she's just glad to be with us whenever we can come.
We're all just trying to enjoy the time we have together. It's hard, but we have each other to lean on.
It's just so very sad.
Still -I'm grateful for this time we all have together. So many people aren't given a gift like this. I plan on making the most of it, whatever "it" is.
I probably won't be posting too much in the next while...but thank you all for your kind thoughts and wishes.
Later taters...

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