Life is wierd ya know.
It seems a lot of things have been hitting me hard lately. Been distant from people, including my partner who is dealing with a lot himself. He's pretty much confirmed to be autistic which explains a lot of things, but also creates a need for me to bemore understanding about why he does things the way he does. He also suffers from depression and that, sadly, doesn't go away...and his attempts at getting more medical help have been met with "well you seem normal" which is no help to him at all. I have asked similar from him to work through my ADHD and it's a hard thing to navigate through feeling heard without whining or laying guilt where it should not be placed - my role as a partner is not to make him feel like shit while maintaining boundaries. He has his own bucket of things to deal with and i have mine...and a house that needs attention...and a job I love. I feel like there isn't enough time to do all that I need to do and sometimes my partner simply isn't able to help out in things...and it wears me down. I want to spend our time together being together and doing positive things...not grumbling over what needs doing. I just try to do things where I can for a few minutes and hope for the best. I tried to meet a therapist but it was a poor fit so I'm floundering a bit. I know regular exercise is huge in regulating my mood but other than some walks to work I've really not found my groove.
Currently I have asymptomatic covid (wheee) and am isolating up in my bedroom to keep my partner safe. This is the second time I've gotten covid despite my care, and he hasn't gotten sick, that he knows of anyways. I do test regularly because of my job and caught this randomly (I feel fine tbh). Spent a week isolated with my cats. It's weird and very lonely. AND BOOOOORING. Lots of time to think, even with avoiding it on social media and tv and a wonderful amount of kitty love.
Over the summer I have sort of slipped into a bit of a blur...rather emotional. I tend to drink and eat to soothe myself, and found on my birthday last month that I now weigh more than I have in the last 15 years. I admit that was a heart crushing moment. I had an idea of that...I mean most of my old clothes don't fit and I just do not feel like myself. I wear the odd bit of clothes I can get at Value Village. I hate spending money on new fat clothes...like I'm rewarding my self for falling apart...so I feel like I am not dressing like myself either. Just....wrong somehow. I haven't been exercising and whenever I tried to I'd get a sore knee which would set me back from trying to do too much too quickly. I didn't honestly try that hard though, as I had physio covered thru work that I went to and really didn't keep up with it regularly either, so it didn't help much. It was a rainy summer so I drove a lot to work. I just sort of receded within, so I didn't have to deal with my feelings, and told myself "oh next week" or "oh next month" and buried my feelings in snacks and really good gin and bourbon. I enjoyed all the good things but too much.
On my birthday I sat and had a good honest think. I was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday and it is always a bit of a mixed time - I love halloween and all that...and I got to dress up and go out for the first time in almost 3 years (I was Coach Z - it was great). But deep down? Feeling like I am not who I was and a bit empty. My partner worked so I was on my own...trying to make the best of it by myself with some fun nice people who I wish I knew better. My husband has fun people to hang out with people and is working lot now that covid is over so he's usually working when I'm home...and I don't see him much. I have to keep a schedule for work that is very different from his, so I go to bed alone and wake up many hours before him. On my birthday he was sick with a migraine so we didn't do much although a friend came over on Halloween to do some things I wanted to do -roadkill rice krispies, pumpkins and movies. It was a small reminder of what *I* want and need.
Know what? I want more.
A few days later on one of my nights alone I sat and stared at my reflection. I talked out loud to myself. Wouldn't leave until I'd hashed it out with myself. I asked why? How? What do you want to do? What do you need? We made a deal - no more bullshit. We work on us. We look after ourselves so we can pour into other people's cups without draining ours. I do NOT want to turn 50 next year and have another year like this. I would not even recognize myself. I already feel like the person in the mirror is...wrong. Out of focus...faded.
So. Yeah. I have a cunning plan...ish. I want to work this year, pick myself up when I fail and try hard every day to feel better. To meet 50 with pride in a year well spent. To try once again to use food as fuel and medicine and not therapy. To MOVE again and find something new I can do to get moving. I'm committed to watching my diet strictly until I'm back into a zone of healthy portions and foods and use Carb Manager to keep it easy and scan barcodes for nutrition info. I'll be looking for supplements that will help me. I have a physical booked coming up and I want to work with my doctor (who is a bit of an ass, but he's been with me for over a decade) and use my work health benefits to see how to be better.
One thing I'm excited about is a new workout. I've been eying up a program called Figure 8 Fitness for a while now. It's a fitness program based on dance moves and it is low impact and looks like a lot of fun. It's different than anything I've done before other than belly dancing and next week when I'm covid free I'll start it full on. I like the idea of dancing to be fit and something new can give me the serotonin I need over the winter until spring comes and I can be outside more. I'll try to post my honest review of the program here to keep me accountable and get me off social media. I spend far too much time on FB, Insta and Tiktok and it's bad for me. I can hide there. It's better to come here.
Time to just...feel like me again...whatever the hell that is.
God I hope this works. Here goes nothing.