Monday, March 06, 2006

An open letter to the perv at the club on saturday night

May I be the first to congratulate you on your stylish attire. Yes you can dance well, and you likely spent more time than I did getting ready for the evening. I'm disgusted you took the time to amuse us and our friends as we watched you casually try to grope half the women there before you found someone accomodating. We're all happy for both of you. However, I did not spend $15 to come and be BE one of those women groped by you on the dance floor - believe it or not I came with MY HUSBAND to hear new school breaks and progressive trance and dance like a monkey. Although it is mildly flattering to find that you think I am attractive, please believe me when I say that I do NOT feel the same about you (you perv).
And so, to avoid a similar social faux pas for you in the future, let me offer the following suggestions for impressing and picking up women, based on a group critique of your performance saturday night:

1) Wedding rings: Generally they are a social "tip off" that the person is indeed taken. When they smile happily at you it doesn't mean the ring is means the person is happy to be there and enjoying themselves. To put it succinctly: ring + happy woman = not available and a waste of your precious time.
2) When a woman is dancing and smiling and looks up to see that you are also having a good time and smiles at you it means she is happy and is glad that you are too. It is not an open invitation to grab her ass. Even if she is indeed shaking it, it is not for you. BAD hand, no gropey.
3) If you grab a womans ass to pull her towards your crotch and try to dance with her groin next to yours and she pulls away and gives you a look like you are indeed the biggest perv on the planet, it doesn't mean she's playing hard to get and you just need to step up your advances. This is not a classy way to pick up women...or their asses. Move on, before you get canned.
4) After 3 unsuccessful ass grabs when the woman gives you the finger, points at here forementioned wedding ring and then goes over to her husband and dances with HIM, leave her alone. By this, I mean that when she walks by you later WITH him, don't reach out for a final grab as she walks by as a pleasant reminder of just how classy you are and what she is missing out on. Trust me, it just makes her start to wish your willie would fall off. May I say that you are lucky my husband is a gentleman and trusts me to look after myself. You may not be so lucky next time.(you perv)

And so to sum up: Married woman happily dancing with their husbands are not waiting to be groped by you. No woman, even if she is dancing alone is. And no, if at first you don't succeed, you should not try again. Even the female version of you that hounded my friend deserves better than that. I must say that I am glad that you two eventually had a fun evening groping each other, as you deserve each other. I'm sure you'll be very happy together...for at least a few hours.

Thankfully I had a great time despite you. Please take my advice to heart and perhaps you'll be lucky enough to meet a wonderful person to share your life with. I did. Believe me when I say sincerely, I and my ass are very happy.

PS - Perv


Magnus said...

Note to Perv - I'm not a gentleman and would have broken all your fingers and punched you in the nuts repeatedly just on princinple.

I hate guys (and girls) like that. Used to drive my roomamtes and some of their female friends to this crappy suburban club when I was living in Langley. They paid for gas, admission and tonic waters.(which I got for free when they clued in that I was a d.d.) The way people behave on the floor disgusts me. Give me a ska show any day. If you want to dance like a monkey all night, then dance like a monkey you shall - with an almost pervert free guarantee.

Thoth Harris said...

I sympathize with you Geosomin!

Scary how insensitive and devoid of brain cells guys like that are.

I have heard stories - believe me, of even worse things. Women, keep guys like that away from your drink, and keep your drink away from such guys. Yeccchhh!!!

Let me now go to the toilet and stick my finger in my mouth and vomit!

At least standard attackers, be they in a city, or war criminals, etc., have the courage to be upfront about it. They know they are wrong and they are extremely sick. Hopefully, they will burn in hell for two hundred years and then rest in peace and oblivion.

But this new type, this modern type (I think it is a sickness of our modern age - I don't know - did they exist before the latter half of the twentieth century?) should be consigned to the lowest burning, sawing, axing, thumbscrewing heap of hell for all eternity.

Or maybe it's just half the human population is devolving back into animals? Maybe they are jocks and their fathers were jocks and they have never known anything else. But it that is the case, what are the rest of us with one or two brain cells in our heads supposed to do to protect ourselves?

Geosomin said...

Man...I would love it if clubs came with "no perv" guarantees. That's why the general raver type scene is cool, because the pervy types tend to not go there. You have to put up with a few soother sucking oddities, but for the most part it is a very friendly crowd. But when you get smaller live DJ events in pervtown saskatchewan, a lot of people go to them because they heard it was a cool thing to do/like and not for the music or to dance. I just hadn't been "pervorated" in a while and had hoped that maybe it was a thing that moved on, that perhaps those kind of guys/girls would begin to respect a people on the dancefloor and what a wedding ring means.
But a no perv guarantee...I'd pay $5 extra cover for that!

Magnus said...

I never saw or heard anything about perverts at any ofthe ska shows I worked, or saw anything below the boards at any I attended in Montreal. And, despite the connotations of the name, skanking is not conducive to grinding, etc. ( )

Arden said...

Great job telling this story, I could imagine it completely. You think guys up there are bad you should come down South.

I saw this blog on my web counter and found it interesting. Are you in Canada?

Geosomin said...

Yup I most surely am!
Right smack dab in the centre of it!

mag-o-ee-dago-nus said...

Actually, you had to put up with some piggish behaviour in Ireland did you not?

Geosomin said...

A fair bit, but I put a lot of it down to the open liquor on the street, the fact that they thought we were american at first and the fact that we were working in tough areas of the city with street kids. Usually once we'd been in an area a bit, people got to know us and actually "looked after us". The first few days were rather pervy a lot of interesting requests shall we say. Thankfully with the adapting to understanding the thick accent I missed a lot of it at first! Nothing quite so, er, forward as the perv on saturday tho. More verbal and rude gestures...equally charming...
I just never understand how people think that approach actually works. I mean the same guys doing that would likely beat up someone doing that to, say, their own sister, friend or mom...
I could go on a whole diatribe about the objectification of women and beauty but I've said a lot of it before. I'll save it up for a big shpeil sometime...the sad thing is, this kind of thing happens all the time and people do nothing about it. It takes a truly pervy incident for people to get pissed off and even react to it...pretty pathetic really.