Sunday, March 01, 2015

Gollumy day

As I sit here trying to write papers on my breast cancer research from my thesis I am still mentally foggy when I sit down to focus.  It's what I have come to call in my head a Gollumy day. I am trying how to get past this so I can finish these papers and get things going without having to wash through all these emotions every time I whip out my data files and read up on the most recent breast cancer research. As I look at slides and count patient data I am vividly aware of the fact that each sample is a person. All this data…it *was* me. I, like others, am logged in the big beige slide and FFPE carousels on 5th floor at City Hospital…just another surgpath number. Yes, I did work to help make diagnosis better for people. In the process I met all the people who ended up testing and supporting me in my fight, giving me confidence in their quality of work and the level of treatment I received. It helped me stay sane knowing all the details I had learned.

And now I'm better. So they say. I feel better. I have hair. I have my health back. I feel…almost…normal. Some days I can forget I was ever sick. Some days. Until I take of my shirt to get ready for bed and see the white line across my chest where my right breast used to be. Most days I remember how strong I am…was…and most days I remember what I learned about what I need to appreciate and look to as important in my life. It's not like I lost my legs or anything.
But some days, like today, as I sit with my kitten in my lap at the table typing and attempting to work on stats and read about breast cancer all that comes back in random flashes. Like some sort of demented PTSD. Trying to focus on things and ignore all the emotions that flow back is not something I'm completely ready for. Not so bad really…I just want it to go away…and am wondering if it ever will.

When we went to Burning man last year I took my chemo log card. I left it in the temple and spent time there sobbing out my anxiety and worry and all that came with everything I had been through and tried my best to leave it there. When the temple burned it took a lot of that with it. I met up with some cancer survivors there and together we walked to remember and to forget. I let go of a lot there.
But apparently I still have a lot in there hiding out and it likes to come and visit from time to time. Just to mess with me.

Well, Fuck you cancer. Fuck you for everything you took from me and everything I have to carry with me every day.

I want to stand at the top of a mountain and scream with every fiber of my being…like Gollum said: LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK.

You fucker.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

So tired

February. Bleh. I am tired and mopye and grumpy and generally not myself the last few days. It's partly because I seem to be coming down with a cold...which just hasn't made up it's mind to attack or retreat yet. Right now I'm just losing my voice, I'm tired and my head feels floaty. Boourns. Trying to eat well and get lots of sleep.

Must hang on until the weekend....

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Way up yonder

Yeah, so I still keep posting just over at my other blog, so if you wanna know how I am, just head over there. I will come back here sometimes too, but splitting things up seems sorta silly at the moment.
See ya over there...

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Fat Cat

Our new cat Dax apparently has no self control. We used to free feed our cats, but in themonth and a half we've had her she's already put on a few pounds, so I'm switching them over to a twice daily dish feed (except for our old codger who gets food whenever he asks). On a 10 Lb cat that's a lot, so we need to change things. Right now they're a little confused and it's tricky with a kitten to make sure the little one gets enough food to grow without Dax eating her kitten food, which is higher in calories and she seems to like more (which might explain the weight gain). I liked free feeding them, but I also want a healthy cat and having her slim down a bit now is a lot easier than letting her plump right up like a marshmallow.

Soon Widget will get into the vet to be fixed and we'll have some grown up cats about the place. I am thankful every day we took her home with Dax. She's doubled in size since we got her. She's still a playful nut, but will stop to nap on my lap at times, and Dax, when she's in the mood, will sit on me and purr and knead me. They play with each other now and chase each other around the house and get up to all kind of ninja moves. Best of all, they seem to like it here.

Monday, December 22, 2014


" Hail Earendel, brightest of angels, over middle-yard to men sent, and true radiance of the Sun bright above the stars, every season thou of thyself ever illumunest."

I'm not a hippy or a hipster (and my hips are curvy as hell) but there is one ancient holiday that always brings peace and hope to my heart. Winter Solstice is a time to reflect on the old and spend a time to take in the darkness of the shortest day of the year, embrace it and say goodbye to the sadness of the past year. From here on forward the days get longer and brighter, and a new year of exciting things begins. I know everyone makes new year's resolutions but for me the time to take stock and look forward is the 21st. This was one hum dinger of a year for me in so many respects, and despite the horrors and pain I am grateful for it for everything it's taught me about myself, and how it's shown me the kindness and love of the people I am so grateful to have in my life.

As the holiday season begins and we all take the time to be with family and friends please take a moment to sit quietly and reflect on the last year. What did you love about it? What can you leave behind? And most importantly - what can you bring into it to expand and refresh your life?

In our next trip around the sun we have so many new things to do and try. And so much to appreciate and recognize as worthy of being in our lives again for another year. As for me, I'm making a short list of things I'd like to learn/try/do this year and am putting them in a book and in a tin. When I have some spare time I'm going to pull a note out of the tin and try something new: learn the ukelele, get a tattoo, paper mache sculpt some armour, paint some ceramics, and make some new fruit wines, just for starters...and for my soul? More quiet time. And more focus on listening to others...with my memory being faded after chemo I often focus too much on what I need to do so I don't forget and fail...but I miss out on so many things while I do so and treat others at times as though what they need is less important than what I am trying to do. A simple pen and paper will let me be more present and not just take in what I need, but be open to the needs of those I care for as well.

The new year begins now. Further up and further in my friends :)

Friday, December 19, 2014

Metro - Eleven Days From Christmas

This obscure Canadian prairie christmas album was always on at christmas eve at my grandpa's. This song and Here comes Santa Claus still crack me up and get me in the mood for a small town christmas.

I often do you get a kazoo in your holiday music?

I know - not often enough :)

Seven 4 by 2 build a chicken coop to keep the ducks in...

Monday, December 15, 2014

Now kiddies, remember to put on your 3D glasses

We last bought a TV just after we married about 13 years ago. It was 30" and worked just fine...the thing was still kicking, but when J stopped working for Evil Conglomerate Who Shall Not Be Named we cut our cable and have been resorting to DVDs. The idea was to get an AppleTV and buy the few shows we want to watch (like Doctor Who) and hook up Netflix for the cold winter nights when you need something to entertain you...but our TV was too old. And our non-bluray DVD player was dying too....and, yup - no HDMI on either of them. So we sat and waited...mostly for J to decide on a TV. We'd been putting money aside and after 3 months (grrr...honestly I'd given up asking about it) we finally found a good Sony one on sale with all the inputs and outputs we need to hook it up to our old amp and such and to all the new stuff... and finally got it back to our place for this weekend. It was 3D as a bonus...and there was a 3D bluray player on sale as well, so now that we've replaced all the necessary technogubbins we're all kitted out.

And's cool. Not only is the screen so much bigger (50") and clearer (blueray is rather swanky I will admit), but it's net-ready so we have all that set up now too. Instant Netflix. We still need an AppleTV for eventual complete technological update of the house so we can stream our music from the computer out the stereo by wifi, but it'll do pig, it'll do damn well. It's like we leaped ahead about 20 years in a few days. We can even plug a memory stick into the DVD player to play files off of that. Most of all tho- the 3D is a damn cool bonus. I'm glad it worked out to have it - we weren't looking for it, but man - we bought the Hobbit on 3D and watched it over the weekend...and it was brilliant. I keep hearing Count Floyd in my head reminding me to put on my 3D glasses...he heh

Add to that that the Season 8 of Doctor Who that we totally missed out on is now out on DVD?
Well, I know where I'll be for the next few weeks. Gotta catch up on the new doctor-from the few we've watched I like him already. And the new opening credits? Wow.

OR should I say Dayum...
Looking this over I see that this post has 200% more damns than usual.
Uh make sure Santa comes by I shall go wash my mouth out with soap forthwith.
And by soap I mean scotch...
What? It's antiseptic...