Down the rabbit hole

Is it selfish of me to want to be able to enjoy something thoroughly without flashes or floods of memories that remind me I have lost my Mother?

I really don't mean any disrespect. My loss is real. Tangible.
And it's strange...I'm not held captive by grief...it's just that I walk around in a world where I have things to do and see and feel and I feel as though I'm swimming. Like the air is slowing down the sound.
But only sometimes.

I just don't know how to *do* this...the scientist in me wants a manual. A book of what to do.

"A + B X C for X number of weeks and you'll be "OK".
Whatever that means.

It's just so weird.
I know I must focus on what I feel to deal with it.
And yet sometimes I just want to *not* think about it. To just be. And still, I know I will reach a point where I no longer think about it all the time ...and then I am sure I will feel guilty for that too.

Yup. It's nutsville right now...

Just blurbing it all out to get it straight.
Don't mind me...