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Monday, January 12, 2009

But you ARE special - we thought of you 23rd!

I had a few simple New Year's resolutions this year:
-listen to my body and try to give it what it needs, and not push it too far
-eat as little processed food as possible
-exercise a minimum of 3 times a week
-Stand up for myself more and make sure that I give myself the respect and consideration I give others.

The last one will be a challenge.
Being a bit passive aggressive, I tend to put others first. I don't always know what I like, just more what I don't like, so unless I dislike something, I'll usually go happily along with the flow. The problem comes when I bump up against others who either indirectly or directly know they can bully me into doing something and try to do so. I used to just give in and then hold grudges or get frustrated at myself for being a wimp, and occasionally blow up when it went too far. I am not sure how conscious others are when they do this. What I do know is that I have to be stronger...when people do push too far or hurt my feelings I have to let them know, even if they don't like it. It's a scary concept for me, but it's something I need to start doing more. And I can't expect them to read my mind...


This has, oddly enough, come up in life already...last night in fact. Thanks to my Mum-in-law, who is notorious for doing this.
Needless to say I'm a bit annoyed at the moment and have to vent.
If you aren't in to it, go have a coffee. I understand. :)

My sister in law just had a beautiful baby last month, and now that Christmas is over, should have a baby shower thrown for her. My other sis-in-law and I have been told we will be putting it on (yup, not asked-told)...a bit annoying to be told what to do at 35, but it should be fun, so we ignored that, and put things in perspective to do the right thing...and we'll do it the way the sis-in-law would want it to be.
Last night tho, I got more annoyed, as it got even more complicated. I received a call from the sis-in-law asking me if a date a few weeks from now would work as the date. "Absolutely not" I replied, as I have bellydance class that night and also and don't even have the car as J has to work that evening, so getting to the loaction out of town would be tricky -I would not even have a way to get there. I suggested many other dates as options. I then received a call back (again not from the mum-in-law) saying that "oh actually, turns out the mom in law has already called 22 other people about it being that night", and she wanted me to "just" cancel my class and find a ride out of town and plan the party...
At first I grumbled and then acquiesced, and sis-in-law and I talked about this and figured out a way to make it work - we're kind of used to this sort of thing happening to us, and figured we'd make the best of it. After all it's a baby shower - this is a big deal for them. We will rock the party.


Then, I hung up and talked with J and fumed...as the woman does this often. Later, I called the Mum-in-law back and asked her to reschedule if she could and mentioned that if she had merely asked *before* calling 23 other people it would be simple to change...to try and let her know that my feelings were hurt...but in the light of day, I've decided that for my sister-in-law, I'll just suck it up and jump thru all the hoops and make the party happen (and miss a bellydance lesson and work out a ride in and back...grrrr). I will, however, have a long chat with the mum-in-law this morning to make sure she understands why I am so annoyed, that she she does this to us a lot, and that perhaps we'd be more apt to visit or be involved in family events if we felt like it mattered that we were there. If it was something for her, I likely wouldn't show up and send a gift with regrets, but the sis-in-law had nothing to do with it really, and these things that only happen once are things new mom's remember and I'm not going to be turned into the "bad selfish person who couldn't put her life aside for just one evening and made everyone else change things for her". Even tho (dammit) I've actually done nothing at all wrong.

Yup I am still mad...but nothing can be done about it now except ask for a little more respect and consideration next time.

Maybe I'll move up the ladder to the top 10 next time.
Oh to dream...

ADDENDUM:

Whattaya know? Being honest and open with people does work. My mum-in-law was very good about it and said she had made a few calls and if it was OK they'd move the date back 1 day. No guilt. An apology and no problems...huh. Good. A positive thing.... I'll have to stick with this stand up for me thing...:)

8 comments:

the Bag Lady said...

That sucks. But I know you are doing the only thing possible and will give it your best effort.

It's hard, sometimes, to pick our places and times to take a stand. At least you are smart enough to know that this wasn't the time.
If you explained it to your MIL in calm, even tones, perhaps she will ask first before she commits you to something. Or not. But if you take a stand often enough and don't allow her to push you around, she may eventually get the idea.

Geosomin said...

When I talked to her, she did.
Who would have thought? :)
We'll see if this carries over into the next time...:)

Corey said...

I am a big fan of this new attitude and I have been slowly implementing it into my own life.

If you are a good-hearted person, it is not selfish to put yourself "first" in such matters. We are all equal, I am just as important as you, and you as me. If the other person is clearly using you or indifferent to your situation, there is no reason why we can't just a matter-of-factly speak up and say "No, this doesn't work for me." No one should ever feel taken advantaged of or taken for granted.

Its not about having things your way all the time, its about feeling good about the things you do. If someone is trying to make you do something that's not right for you, there should be no guilt in say "No, but here is a way that we all can be happy".

Geosomin said...

Amen brutha

Donn Coppens said...

Really?
I mean you read about things like this but you never think that it is gonna happen to you.

GO YOU.

Pacian said...

I also have a party that you're going to be planning. To get there, you'll need to solve the riddle I've taped to the underside of your keyboard.

Don't be late! :-)

Ponita said...

Hi! Found you through Donn's place...

Good for you for standing your ground. Sometimes other people just don't seem to think... and if you have been one to give in without much said in the past, they don't even consider that it might not work for you.

But you have found that speaking up, tactfully, works. Do that a few times, but also remain flexible at others, and it should work in your favour in the long run. They will eventually start realizing that asking first is a good thing.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

diddums said...

That is interesting, and I've been thinking along similar lines recently. I feel that if I protest, I will then discover that I got it wrong and have upset everybody else into the bargain (that's my big fear). Sometimes I can't trust that I really understood what was going on or being said.

You must be very good at defending your corner without giving offence (when you decide to)... I'm not sure I wouldn't give offence right, left and centre when I decided to fight back. :-) I always sound dead serious even when I'm joking.