Friday, March 11, 2022

The spring time of the mind

 I always thought is was kinda dumb to take a picture or measurements when starting a fitness journey. To me it just made me feel worse having actual numbers staring at me to prove how I'd really let things get out of hand. 

Before I got cancer almost 10 years ago I was in grad school while working full time (not recommended if you want to sleep) and I took what little free time I had to discipline myself to eat clean and workout. I was, ironically, in the best shape of my life while a few small tumors were building a nest in my right breast. I was grateful for that health when I had to go through about a year of chemo, surgeries and radiation and all kinds of things that made me realize it wasn't the beauty I craved so much as the self control. The strength. I'm a clumsy human and the more muscles I have the stronger and more precise I can be. You gain a new perspective when you ache and feel like a 90 year old and after having come back from that I tend to look at things differently now.

Yes. I still do over indulge. Yes I still have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with food (repeat after me - food is not a reward). I love food and good scotch. I oscillate in my attention to health - but I also have limits. I had a great holiday season and enjoyed myself thoroughly, but occasional rewards had become the norm again and having 2 drinks after work each night to destress was not helping my mind or my ass. Instead of workouts in the AM I would sit with my cats and surf facebook and numb my brain. With winter chills it was too cold to walk so that was missing too. I was becoming a working lesson in how not to cope with pandemic burnout. I've been lucky enough to work all through this in a research lab safely and the stress of all that made me want normality so badly...and it was impossible. 

 My dear friend and my godson recently got covid and I could not help them while they recovered and it shook me to look at what was important. While slowly doing little things to organize my life I attacked my bedroom closet after a pile of sweaters landed on my head. I discovered a lot of clothes I love that I haven't worn because they don't fit any more. I slowly looked in other closets and organized and looked at things to see what mattered and tried to organize what little I could in a crazy time....and it helped. I started to see little glimpses of OK. Build parts of my home up from under 2 years of ADHD isolation clutter and feel accomplished. And so for the last few weeks I've been getting up again in the Am to do a workout and cutting back alcohol to one day on the weekend again. I started reading books and not social media. Big small things.

And it feels good. My largest clothes - my "danger" pants are now comfortable again and I feel stronger. Not a lot stronger, but just not dying or feeling like my muscles are going to collapse. I can hold yoga poses without falling over and do a few pushups. Do cardio without an asthma attack. eh- It's a start. :)It also helps that the stupid chill of our Saskatchewan winters is finally reaching it's end. I can walk to work again some days as long as I bundle up. That adds some morning chill to my day and gives me 40 minutes to myself. Time for podcasts and walks along the river to the lab. Time for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it may still be chilly out but it's springtime in my head at least. I hope you're finding little glimpses of springtime somewhere in your soul. Please look for them. They are ever so lovely when they sprout up and show their leafy green little sprogs. :)

No comments:

Cunning Plans

 Life is wierd ya know. It seems a lot of things have been hitting me hard lately. Been distant from people, including my partner who is dea...