We shall see my little pretties. We shall see.

It's a tricky thing. I'm not so concerned about the basic facts about my thesis and the results. Because my project is a design to improve testing and diagnosis, what interests me and what I want to be able to discuss is the why's and how's of it all. Why is my work needed? How is it applied in this particular way? And most of all - what does it mean, really, in a practical sense when applied to breast cancer diagnosis in the labs. To properly interpret my results I need to be able to explain why and how they are relevant and useful. Yes, how I got them is also important, but there are so many many reasons why and how.

You know...I feel the *itch*. And if I was single and didn't have a great job and chose to do so I could focus on this kind of research all my life. I feel the groove...I get this and I understand it and it is something real and positive I can give to my field. I can help make clinical testing better. THAT is amazing. Really. SOOOO many MSc projects are minute examinations of technical minutia and I am lucky...and there is so much more to do with this. I've just built the foundations. I am glad there are people willing to take it. I *want* them to. A small part of it wants it to be me and I'll be sad to put this all behind me because it's so damn interesting and important to me as a technician and as a big geek and as someone who wants to kick cancer square in it's jewelly bits as much as possible. Yes it tempts me a bit...just a bit to do my PhD.

 But not enough...I simply could not continue to live this way. I remember how I felt writing the thesis and giving up most of myself and my life to this child-thesis-thing I have created. I am lucky to have a partner who supports me through all this, when the work and school seem so much more important than them sometimes... I am lucky enough to have found myself a job where I can still make a difference in different ways. I still can help people with their research...help them solve medical puzzles and support them with all of the skills and abilities I've gathered. Already this week in a meeting I was able to strut my managerial funky stuff and help pull my group together and work towards their eventual new home. I have a good reason to be where I am. I don't need to carry my research torch further...I can pass it on to someone else to do. I can still get to be on the national IHC QA steering committee and be involved in how my work is used on the side as much as I choose to. It will be an odd thing to try and find a balance in my future life between life and work and this, whatever it is. Yes, 2 years of chaos and driven effort have shown me what I'm capable of, but burnt me out. I've lost my sense of normal. I don't know how to be bored.
Thing is - I want my life back (whatever it will become) and I want it now :)

And so I will continue to brush up on things and try and prepare for my defense and for the life to come after it. I am starting feel as though I just might pull this off. And I'll have one hell of an attempt to try and explain myself and show my hard work to someone who will be able to truly understand it...we shall see.

T-10 days...