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Thursday, September 17, 2009

News Flash: I am not a saint

Last night I was confronted with just how simple it is to make yourself miserable. I went over to my brother's place for supper, but seeing as the power had gone out we went out for a bite to eat. His wife and I were going to go to the bellydance open house together after. At 7 the open house started, but we were late (grrr) and got there about 20 minutes after, due to traffic issues from there being no power and quite honestly, their dawdling. She even asked if I really wanted to go, and I was still polite, as it was nice of her to go with me and I was hoping she'd want to join with me, as she needs more physical activity in her life. I said she could drop me off if she wasn't interested...but she decided to come anyways. At the performance there were 30 minutes of the different styles they teach and then you could dance with them a bit for fun and sign up for classes. We missed the first performance and snuck in for the rest...They were very good.

I forget how much better shape I'm in now. As we went in the building door I just bounded up the 2 flights of stairs to the auditorium effortlessly (I was more than kinda excited)...and then sat and waited patiently for my sis in law to puff her way up them...very...slowly...and then slowly...slowly walk to the performance area...slowly. I go up and down 3 flights of stairs about 50 times a day at work...so it doesn't phase me. J's in good shape too, so I forgot to be slower...so I just waited patiently at the top of the stairs by the door...until she sarcastically said "oh go ahead don't worry about me" with a glare, as I waited patiently for her. Becoming more pissy I still waited and smiled. It's not my fault I'm in shape and I had no intention of making her feel bad. I wish I'd gone up slower.

After the performance she said she was content to watch a bit and said she wanted to leave in half an hour...so I danced for a bit and then waited in line for more class info. She stood back in the crowd. I ran into some girls from my old bellydance classes and had a nice talk with them while filling out the info forms in line. I'm not sure where I need to be level wise so I was told to just show up to the intermediate lesson and they'd redirect me to other classes if I needed to be moved up or down. Fair enough. I'm excited to get back at it...I missed it.

Towards the end of this my sis in law was standing by the door glaring at me and making wide overdone gestures with her arms to her watch and then pointing to the door with both arms... then crossing her arms and huffing... and repeating... A girl I was talking to actually looked shocked and said "um...I think you should go now...your friend really wants to leave". And so we did, before the time I was told I had, with me feeling guilty and slightly embarrassed, as she tends to do this a lot. She said her feet hurt from standing so much and she wanted to leave. I wanted to ask her why she just didn't come up and tell me, but I was worried I'd snark it out, so I just grabbed my bag and we left. There were chairs, but I guess sitting down wasn't an option (?)...in the end she didn't sign up for anything, as she said she couldn't take the classes if her feet hurt and she couldn't stand the whole time due to a ligament in her foot that bothers her sometimes...which is true, and it made me sort of sad for her...and that sent the anger away...
I hope I was nothing but polite and respectful, despite how irritated I had gotten at times. I'd been looking forward to this for a long time...it sort of sucked some of the fun from it. I get a lot of joy out of dancing...and through having her in my life I've also learned to let go of a lot of things that interfere with me enjoying myself in public. I find I'm just happier. Why focus on things that make yourself miserable? I can see in her what it can do to yourself to be miserable. I know others don't like being out of their comfort zone. Sometimes I don't either, but I couldn't help feeling annoyed, yet bad for being annoyed.
Which was in itself annoying...
I had a roommate in college for a while who was similar - lots of depression and medical issues...and she didn't just feel sorry for herself she wallowed in her pain. She wrapped it around her like a blanket...got lost in it. It sucked the positivity of you away just to hear her talk about it all...and yet you know that by being there to listen you were helping...sort of. In the end I couldn't help enough and ended up moving out, as her mood was affecting mine. It was poisoning me and I could still be her friend better without it eating at my soul...

This has reaffirmed to me how I need to relax right now. I need to be more patient and understanding of other people. I tend to do too much and have such little time for just myself that I find I can covet it and all it brings me...and get rather tetchy when things take away from it. It also was a reminder to me that we need to look after ourselves physically to allow us to enjoy our lives....how you, yes you, need to make an effort to exercise at least a little bit every day. The technical definition of being very out of shape is if you cannot go up 2 flights of stairs without being significantly winded. If you are severely winded by this or cannot stand for short periods without pain, well...you need to do more. Even if all you can do is walk around the block once. DO that. Then in a few weeks try 2 blocks. My sis-in law lives inside 300 odd pounds, has sleep apnea, joint and body pain and it has to be hard to live and move when you have that much holding you down. It would be hard to work at it with that much of a challenge to start with. But...but...I just think...man...how can you just let it go like that? To complain and complain but no change...there's got to be a way to change. The reason I changed my life and health was I realised I couldn't live the way I wanted to anymore. That my body was getting in the way of who I was and could be. It was hard but slowly, I've worked at it. I'm trying to be polite and supportive and encourage her to join things with me and do things so she can be more active and just out and comfortable in public...I'll keep trying. Really I will...and try to not get pissy on the way. My brother is a saint of patience. I often get mad at him for not challenging her to do more...but it's not my place. It's easy to be kind to those we love... My brother can be a saint...it would appear that I am not. I just feel bad about the whole thing...

The image above is of Saint Rafca...a Lebanese woman who had a rediculously hard life, but remained focused on positive things, charity, hope and teaching, even as her body failed her (she was a blind paralytic with a lot of chronic pain near the end of her life). Positive attitude of a kind that frightens me with it's radiance...

3 comments:

Donn w/2 Ns said...

Gadzooks!
Nothing in this Life is more challenging than our relations with our relations.

I say you went above & beyond...and that should do for a while now right?

Life is a Garden..DIG IT!

Pacian said...

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Magnus said...

Way above and beyond, she should count herself fortunate to have you for an in-law. If she were mine... well, you know me.