Thursday, January 06, 2011

Don't foist your crazy on me, I have enough of my own thanks...

Lately I've been a bit miffed at one of the doctors I work with. She is going thru a bit of a mid-life thing and is a bit insecure...and it shows. She's late 40s (and looks great I may say) and lately has gotten an eye lift and some new clothes and recently gotten divorced too, which I'm sure isn't helping things (or maybe it is, who knows?).
Over the last 4-5 months I have really seriously focused on working out with weights and eating very healthily and, if I may be so bold to say it, it shows. I look great (I think) I'm not perfect by any means, but for me, I'm happy as I am. I have recently got clothing that fits my new fit frame and take pride in how I look now. I am confident. Strong.

And this doctor, LITERALLY every single damn time I see her comments on how "oh dear you *have* to stop now. Really, you're going to get too thin and it's not healthy. Just how *do* you do all that?". In front of others. Anyone. Sometimes it is awkward for them too...
And I patiently reply (for the 2 zillionth time) that I am eating healthily and working out with weights 5 days a week and I am very healthy, thanks. At first it was a compliment. Now it feels like either jealousy or like she's resentful or something. A few people have offered the odd compliment to me, but after a while it's just her and for a few weeks it actually had me concerned. I checked with my doctor and people I trust and asked them if I was going too far. They assured me that no, I am fine as I am - it's just a very dramatic change in how I look and feel. To be fair, we do have someone in our department who came down with an eating disorder last year and we all watched him shrink to rather skeletal size before he was convinced to get some help with his diet and compulsive exercise, so at first I thought she was just concerned for me, thinking I might be on the same path he was. It was scary to watch him. We are glad he's doing better.
But really. I'm not like that. I'm just trying to be healthy. The best me I can be. Instead of wondering what I'd feel like if I did this I'm just doing it and feeling it. Seeing as this lady is technically my boss, I still smile and answer the same way when she says these comments (she did again today...sigh) but I want to understand just why she is so bothered. I am not sure how to tell her to shut up about it already without being rude. I've tried polite. I've tried informative. And truly -I now resent the comparison. I've spent most of my entire life getting negative comments on my appearance because I *wasn't* fit and now that I am I am still getting some? WTF? Seriously. Does this sh*t not ever stop?
I just want to be a great me...Uberfrau. And I am.
So there.

Ah don't listen to me. I'm a bit off today.
The thing is, 1 year ago today I watched my Mum breathe her last breath and said good bye to her. I'm a little sensitive right now. At work I walk right by the elevator up to the ward room that was (and to me still is) hers. I see her doctor. Sometimes, if I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a cute little woman, I see her. But just for a moment.
I wish I could just give her a hug. Celebrate my grades with her. Have a cup of tea and look thru her latest batch of photos. Cringe at one of her loudly embroidered sweaters...smell her perfume.
I miss her. Today more than most for whatever reason.

Perhaps I'll just go have a cup of coffee and see how the rest of the day goes...


grapecat said...

ah sugar - I'm so sorry - hugs from all of us. we're thinking of you lots (you know - in a good way too!!)

one view of the doctor-thin thing is that, in our society, women are objectified, making their bodies fair game to any and all. other women too. the right to comment, (and touch! argh) is taken for granted. sounds like she's using it as a way to get a swipe or two in. charming. whatever she's going through doesn't really excuse that. i have no doubt at all that you are the healthy one in this scenario. no doubt.

good luck today - hope you're going to get some celebrating in over those fantastic results! raise a glass for us - we'll toast across the water.


lowrihaf13 said...

I don't know you but.. *hugs* :)

Marste said...

I'm sorry about your mom, and about the time of year making everything more poignant. *hugs*

As for your boss, you could try answering (nicely), "You know, the last time you said that, I thought I'd check with my doctor just to be sure all was well, and s/he's happy!" And then AFTER that always answer, "Oh, don't worry. The doctor still says I'm fine!" The key part (in my experience) is to always answer EXACTLY that way, verbatim. After a while it starts to make the commenter look foolish (without you being a jerk about it)and they stop commenting.

Concern trolls run in my family. Does it show? ;)

diddums said...

Yes, that's an idea! It makes it sound as though you aren't just ignoring your boss, but took her seriously, but in fact your doctor has more right to an opinion than someone outside of it all...

... and mothers have a habit of showing up unexpectedly even when they're somewhere else. :-) I guess they had to go through the same thing, as did their mothers, and their mothers' mothers... sometimes the thought of that long line of mothers stretching back into the past can be quite comforting. We are not alone.

Geosomin said...

Diddums - So very true.A Comment J's Grandma made after the funeral has stuck with me. She looked at me and sadly said "it's a hard thing to lose a mother"...and I could see in her eyes she *knew*. It was strangely comforting to know that others have dealt with loss...that they found their life and are happy again.
It still is...