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Monday, April 12, 2010

What if

It is official. In a few weeks I'm heading home to the parents house...um, parent's house...wierd...to pack up my Mum's clothes and go through the house a bit. Dad asked me to while he wasn't home. He'd like me to put her clothes away and go through things of hers he'll never use and split it up between us all. He's tried. He can't do it.

I can do it.
I will do it.
I actually want to go through things...to remember and put them away in my own mind. I'm ready for it now. My mum was tiny so it's not like I'll be tempted to keep things...of all her things I have the one thing I wanted: a locket she wore when her & Dad dated with black and white photos of them inside. Love. So grand. :)

It's just so...final. You know?
I don't know how I'll react to some things...and even worse. What if I don't react at all? I have absolutely no frame of reference for this. AND I'm worked/stressed to the nines...

My brother's wife has offered to come along to keep me company so I don't have to go alone (J must stay...which sucks but what can you do?). At first I thought "oh dear god, exactly what I don't need". But you know...I think it might be good after all. Maybe we'll bond a bit. And she knows me enough to know when to leave me be...bro and I are a lot alike. She'll understand more than I think she will. And really...I *do* like her for all the huffing and puffing sounds I make to the contrary.


I will say tho - I'm looking forward to a few late night walks around town. Seeing what's new. Cataloging other memories. At the funeral I never got time to do that...plus it was bloody cold. I think it will be nice. If any of my old friends still live there I'll see what they're up to. Check out the yard...haunt some haunts and remember...take my laptop and write down how I feel. Take some photos.

It's strange - I as much as I am apprehensive...I want to remember this. All of it. I used to have issues with "going home" and what people would think of me. Years later, I honestly don't care...these people knew me then. And now is now...yes it may be the cold meds talking, but I feel all manner of things about this...and none of them are bad...


All aboard the train to whackadooo...

2 comments:

diddums said...

Yes, do take your laptop... if you can, write blog posts for later (if you're not on the net).

It makes sense about the past being the past and having little to do with now. Well, I thought I had a grasp on it, but it's slipped away for a moment! Umm...

OK, going home is something I realized couldn't really happen. I suppose I think of 'home' as being a place in time when I belonged somewhere specific. There were different homes at different times, just as I'm at home now... but not the same one. :-) Maybe if we turned that thought around, we realize we can ALWAYS go home, as we carry it with us.

Before you ask, I'm not all hyped up on coffee or anything. :-)

I hope it all goes as well as well can be.

the Bag Lady said...

I can tell you - it will be hard. Take your laptop... and a big box of tissues.
A sad fact of life is that this is something almost all of us have to face sometime.
Having your SIL along will be a good thing, because she is that tiny one step removed and can help keep you from being overwhelmed.
Good luck - you can do this.