J and I were looking through old photos over the weekend to pass the time...the wedding and some holidays. We were looking at the reams of photos from our trip to England 5 years ago and both were struck at how much we've changed in such a short time. Not just hair styles (I now have about a foot less hair), but everything.
Although I've always been self conscious about it, I hadn't taken a step back and looked at myself in a while. The thing is, J and I both used to weigh a lot more than we do now. And up until then I didn't realise how many things that affected in how I looked at myself...and how I still do.
Sometimes, I still think of myself as the larger girl. The one who has "the pretty face", the "quirky sense of humor" and the "kind heart". These were all nice things to me, but they always translated and reinforced in my mind into the fact that people who said these things were tactfully avoiding looking at me for who I was, or at least who I saw myself as - someone who was almost 40 pounds overweight. I would hide in it...when mopey I would revel in it. Looking back, it was a convenient excuse for me. People didn't like me or things went badly for me? Well they just aren't seeing me for who I am. I'm too shy at a gathering? Well they just won't like me because I'm different. It was a crutch, excuse and a source of pain, all at the same time. It wasn't until about 6 months ago that i caught a reflection ofmyself in a window and thought - "my god...I look absolutely normal".
The thing is, people DID treat me differently when I was overweight. I don't get the distainful once over look from some of the more shallow people as I approach. And I'm sad to say that now that I'm healthy and average size people are friendlier, and more inclusive when they first meet me. They are more apt to listen to what I say, and my presentations and opinions at work seem to have more leverage. Whether or not this is because I have more confidence and strength I don't know. I just know there is a difference..and although it feels good to me now...there is a tiny part of me that is bitter about it, because I know there are others still dealing with it. My husband is one of the few people in my life who has loved me utterly and completely for who I am and what I am to him, regardless of how I looked or felt. I love him with all my heart and I am so greatful to have never had any of that from him.
And want to know the woerdest thing of all- I still felt a twinge of hurt when J and I looked at our photos and made a few comments along the lines of "Wow. We were big weren't we? Why didn't someone say something?". Even casually talking about it made all those insecure feelings come back for a minute and I must say that I did NOT enjoy them or welcome them back. And I knew that if someone had said something to me back then, I would have been devastated. I got over it all after a while, but it really gave me a bit of a reality check. If anything, it made me push just a little bit harder in this morning's workout.
Yet after having said all this I must say that I do smile at myself now. I take compliments as they are given and I hope that given the chance, I will treat other people with care and respect no matter how they look. Because I know how that feels, and I also know how it feels to like yourself. It took liking myself to care enough about myself to change. J and I are proof it is very healing to know you are a better healthier person. We can do so many things now that we wouldn't have been able to before. THAT is our reward.
And yes, I wish that kind happiness for all of you out there positive change for all of you out there in the coming year. It's OK to like yourself, because, as Stan Smiley would say "Because I'm good enough, and smart enough...and gosh darn it - people like me".
5 comments:
A London Guildhall University survey of 11,000 33-year-olds found that unattractive men earned 15 percent less than those deemed attractive, while plain women earned 11 percent less than their prettier counterparts.
Size matters, too. A study released last year by two professors at the University of Florida and the University of North Carolina found that tall people earn considerably more money throughout their careers than their shorter coworkers, with each inch adding about $789 a year in pay.
Good-looking men and women are generally judged to be more talented, kind, honest and intelligent than their less attractive counterparts. Controlled studies show people go out of their way to help attractive people - of the same and opposite sex - because they want to be liked and accepted by good-looking people.
Just as long as you don't fall into the trap of many of the formerly fat - "Hmmm, people notice me like never before. I am sexy! Could I have done better than you?"
Not that I think you will, but just so as to mention it.
Not a chance. I'm happy with my family and friends. Having gone through it all...I know who they are. If anything I'm LESS trustful of people who are kind to me right off...I wonder if they'd have been as nice if I were larger. You see...never really goes away does it? :)
People are stupid. Geosomin for world leader! Hail Geosomin!
I know the feeling - even when folk are being nicer than they used to be, or could be to someone else, one looks at them a little cynically.
It always worries me when I see folk being hard about other people, especially over basic things like weight, looks, intelligence etc. I don't even know if 'worries' is the right word here, but I'm not feeling terribly bright right now...
I was watching something last night about child geniuses who were getting 150 to 170 in their IQ tests. They said 100 is average for people, and I just wondered... fleetingly... if the most cruel and judgemental people were generally below that! Maybe they're the sector of the population dragging the average down from 120 or so.
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