Sunday Scribbles a day late - goodbyes

A little late and a tad incoherent, but here it is...

I've never been one to say goodbye.
I'll always say "see you later then" or "talk to you soon". There is a finality to goodbye that I simply cannot use the word casually. Even for those to whom I may not see for years, I somehow waddle around the phrase, hoping that by simply not saying the word, I will be able to irrefutably create the time when we will meet again.

Despite my best efforts, this has come back to bite me twice in my life.

The first was for a friend and roommate in high school. I went to a high school where we all boarded in a dorm. My first roommate had very bad asthma - the kind where you needed a machine to breathe sometimes. She opted to move in with a close friend of hers after a few weeks at school, as they were supposed to be roommates and something got botched up. We were still friends after - I remember she was very kindhearted and full of energy. In the spring after she'd gone home one weekend she hadn't returned...and she never did. She'd had an asthma attack while out doing something with friends and family and never recovered. Although she wasn't someone I felt deepy close to I do to this day wish I could have said goodbye. "See you when you get back" fell short somehow.

Another best friend of mine throughout high school and the start of college moved to England with her boyfriend after travelling all over the world. Even after she started travels, we kept in touch and our friendship was still very close. After she moved to London, it was more expensive to call and I didn't have her address. I lost touch from her and then *I* moved and got married...when I tried to find her to invite her to the wedding she was nowhere to be found and her family in Vancouver wasn't there either. The funny thing is I still look for her in crowds, hoping she might just wander up behind me and scare the crap out of me and it'd be like we'd never stopped talking. I often wonder what is going on and hope she is alright. I wish hadn't said goodbye to her when last we talked - I feel as though I've jinxed things somehow. I know when I'm in Vancouver in a few weeks I'll still check in at her old address...just in case.

I'm still cautious about it- I've said goodbye to loved ones who are going far away, ones who are dying. It's just too much meaning wrapped up in such a tiny little word...it's like love. I can't say it unless I mean it.