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Monday, January 18, 2010

Down the rabbit hole

Is it selfish of me to want to be able to enjoy something thoroughly without flashes or floods of memories that remind me I have lost my Mother?

I really don't mean any disrespect. My loss is real. Tangible.
And it's strange...I'm not held captive by grief...it's just that I walk around in a world where I have things to do and see and feel and I feel as though I'm swimming. Like the air is slowing down the sound.
But only sometimes.

I just don't know how to *do* this...the scientist in me wants a manual. A book of what to do.

"A + B X C for X number of weeks and you'll be "OK".
Whatever that means.

It's just so weird.
I know I must focus on what I feel to deal with it.
And yet sometimes I just want to *not* think about it. To just be. And still, I know I will reach a point where I no longer think about it all the time ...and then I am sure I will feel guilty for that too.

Yup. It's nutsville right now...

Just blurbing it all out to get it straight.
Don't mind me...

2 comments:

solarity said...

The trouble with the manual is that the experimental conditions are different each time. (Re-learning that now, six months after my father's death. I'm always through grieving in less than six months. Aren't I? Aren't I???)

Mary Anne in Kentucky

the Bag Lady said...

Geo - my mother died 17(!) years ago, and I still find myself missing her on occasion. It's natural.

It's also natural to not think about your mom (all the time) while you are busy living your life. She wouldn't want you wallowing in grief and being paralyzed by it, would she? I'm guessing that she was extremely proud of you, and that she would expect you to carry on!