Snow day...OK almost

It snowed all weekend here. Enough to warrant a Environment Canada blizzard warning and a shut down/super reduction in transit yesterday and today. Which for here means a shitload of snow. The buses couldn't run because they all got stuck! Yeah...it snowed.
Thankfully I was smart and went in and did some MSc work and ran errands saturday before the snow had piled up too much so that sunday J and I could stay inside (except for some snow shovelling) and clean and organise and watch movies and make delicious matar paneer and just relax. Why go out in that when you dont' have to?

This morning they still haven't cleared a lot of the main roads and (for some reason) people forget how to drive in snow every year, so it's been a slow start to the day so far. It's been really mild the past few weeks here (so nice) but apparently winter is back now.
I've arrived and should get to it...
Have a good day all. Don't get buried under all the snow, K?

Life of a grad student

I'm in working on a saturday.

Whee.....

The hills are alive with the sounds of music

nataliedee.com

Makes me laugh out loud

Come with us and leave your earth behind

Space spelunking anyone?
I've had this song in my head since I woke up this morning...so I worked out to the album this morning and MAN, I feel really good...


Good morning. :)

Up and Down

Yesterday was a tough day.
Today feels better already.

I'm getting started on the first bits of my Master's project. It's giving me something exciting to focus on. Nothing like scheming and planning my OWN mad science project!


Yes...Danny Elfman was awesome, even then...

Down the rabbit hole

Is it selfish of me to want to be able to enjoy something thoroughly without flashes or floods of memories that remind me I have lost my Mother?

I really don't mean any disrespect. My loss is real. Tangible.
And it's strange...I'm not held captive by grief...it's just that I walk around in a world where I have things to do and see and feel and I feel as though I'm swimming. Like the air is slowing down the sound.
But only sometimes.

I just don't know how to *do* this...the scientist in me wants a manual. A book of what to do.

"A + B X C for X number of weeks and you'll be "OK".
Whatever that means.

It's just so weird.
I know I must focus on what I feel to deal with it.
And yet sometimes I just want to *not* think about it. To just be. And still, I know I will reach a point where I no longer think about it all the time ...and then I am sure I will feel guilty for that too.

Yup. It's nutsville right now...

Just blurbing it all out to get it straight.
Don't mind me...

There is nothing new under the sun...

I was out pretending to be a normal person on the weekend at a local art event and was talking with J and my friend Chris about something I keep coming back to in my head - setting up a periodic table of cheeses (what?). I mean, think about it: you've got distinctions due to hardness, sharpness, colour, a row at the bottom for man made and difficult to make cheeses. You could have a columns of the blue cheeses...etc. etc. etc. I really love cheese. I've really thought about this...perhaps more than necessary. Personally I kept thinking if I ever have a month or so and a lot of money to buy all kinds of cheeses (and nothing else to do), I can figure it out. Beats trying to knit something. I already know I suck at that...

Chris (the eternal optimist) said he has started to Google his "eureka thoughts", as 99% of the time it's already out there - which is a bit disappointing, but albeit a large time saver. Plus, you tend to learn something while you're at it. So, seeing as we were at a live art thingy at the local gallery (complete with dancing bearded lady and a fat lady who sang at the end. Honest.) we walked up to Yann Martel (author of Life of Pi and our local Scholar in Residence) who was doing a bit of a live art performance majiggy by writing his bi-monthly letter to Stephen Harper suggesting a book to read, including what people at the event suggested he read (bet you can't guess which one is from me...). He was amused at our question and was good enough to google it for us right then and there.
And sure enough- it appears that it was already thunked up.
Pity.
BUT-I don't mind being beaten by a 19th century blind Russian cook (Anatoli Grigor Konchalovsky). I am not entirely sure if this is true or not - I must do more searching to prove it so...part of me secretly hopes it is not- then I can still do it.

Otherwise, I will have to examine his table and see if I agree.
You know, for the good of science and all that...

Glad to know other people out there love cheese as much as I do.

Random thoughts

I was in the hospital, pulling case slides for a project today. So many slides...a room of banks of drawers...so many numbers...and every number a person. A person who gave tissue for biopsy diagnosis. Walls of drawers...
Wierd.

There's a sign in the room that says "Every number is a person. And they thank you."

I like.

J just brought me a cold Black Cat lager.
This I also like.

Last night I saw Men Who Stare at Goats. It's up there with Moon for great films of the last year for me...
I liked it too.

The world gets 10 points for being so likable today.

It'll do for now...

I'm feeling blisteringly optimistic today.

Odd.

Can't figure it out, but considering the strangeness of the last few weeks I have to say,

feeling happy is nice...

Calm after the storm

It's so quiet now.
I'm back home from my Dad's...Mum's funeral is over and I feel both wooden and peaceful. And tired. It was so great to see all of my family and see so many people I have not seen in years...and Mum's memorial was very sad, but wonderful. She would have loved it. She was a wonderful woman. Sometime when I feel I can, I'll post a bit of a memorial. Right now...its not time yet.
It seems so strange to be back home, and having to just "go back to normal".
I'm so glad my Dad is going to come stay with us for a while to work on renovations for our kitchen...then he won't be alone too much at first. It's the hardest part really - seeing your father so devastated. I know he'll be OK eventually. We all will...
It warms my heart to know how many people loved her and hear all their kind words...but I'd trade it all to have her back.
I miss her.

And I want to ask all of you out there - please when you run into people on the street, unless you actually care or really want to know PLEASE don't ask them "how are you?" I got that all the time while Mum was sick and after she died. Not only did I not always want to talk about things...but sometimes I could tell they didn't want to know and didn't care, and the last thing they would expect (often not knowing what was going on) would be for me to start sniffling and looking at my feet. It was not concern but just the tacky reduced equivalent of a hello...which when your life is floating away into tiny bits and all you want to do is hug your Mum and you can't is a very hollow experience.
BUT...
I will say, all my friends and family have been wonderful. I know that in time I will be OK. I'm strangely peaceful about everything, despite the sadness. I'm so glad I got to say everything I wanted to and just be with her and my family up until the end of it all.
I'm just not entirely sure how to get back into life again...it'll be strange.
Thank you. All of you.

Goodbye Mum

1933-2010


I simply cannot say how much I will miss you...