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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Rage against the machine with a machete and a pitchfork and my teeth AND a pointed stick...

warning. extreme moods ahead....

I'm supposed to be working on one of the papers that I have due at the end of this month, but I just bloody well can't. I can't concentrate. I'm sitting at my desk at work so I can't quit for other things and I am just scattered and tired and annoyed with all this school business.
This weekend I (as usual) worked 10 hours on saturday, as well as hours after my daily job. Saturday I found that I zoned out and worked hard and wanted to be home so badly that I didn't call J to tell him when I'd be done...just doggedly wanted to be home with him. Worked and worked...as he waited and had no idea what was going on...just that I still wasn't home. It's like my brain is starting to revolt. I have to add common courtesy to my list of daily duties now because I do not trust myself to come up with it anymore - when I lack the ability to even call him to let him know I'll be here working later yet again...it is a wake up call to me to get my head out of my ass...because it's always that way it seems, but it doesn't make it OK. I know it hurt him that I, yet again, was working and not home when I'd hoped I would be. That school was again the Most Important Thing.
Yesterday I made the decision to not take an optional class in quality that was being offered for 8 weeks on sundays...it would have been a great learning opportunity, and benefit my thesis and career, but you know what? Fuck that. If I am so busy that I feel like my work is never ending and I spend all my free time off on sundays with J, often napping and snacking, why would I give up some of that preciousness for something I don't really need? Want yes... Need? ...no not enough to make it worthwhile.

I have wondered off and on today: when does Life become More Important than Living? How do I get so inexplicably wrapped up in duties that I feel like a 5 year old who built an awesome cushion fort that was so huge and awesome that once they went in and started to play they couldn't find their way out again? Scarey playtime until someone comes in to show me the path out...

*sigh*
I need to finish these papers dammit.
They are last academic requirement of my MSc. And they're both due in 3 weeks. On top of culturing 9 cancer lines, making cell blocks and trying to gather data from slides already done, I must take time off work to spend time to prepare my own method for cytospin analysis (because the one I was promised isn't actually real, by fucks sake). I also have slides from my first test run arriving this week for me to start to analyze-the real part of my project...and I'm not as excited as I should be...because I already have data to analyze. And I'm tired from reading 15 books and 48 journal articles after all the work of the day is done, jsut so I can write my Two Impossible Papers.
I've just been so bloody busy and I feel like I'm still accomplishing NOTHING. I know it will all come together eventually in a giant burst of Wow...but believe me when I say I feel right now like I've set off a bomb and I have to pick up all the pieces with a toothpick and crazy glue them together in order to move forward. Once I finish these 2 papers for my final reading course, it's just the remaining thesis and scientific work there for me to do on top of my job...I'm actually looking forward to it. To be done the labwork. I just have to get there.

I try and cook for fun on sundays... a little reminder of life. What *I* enjoy. Time with J napping in the sun. Playing with cats. Listening to the flaming lips while making coffee in the early morning on my way to the gym. Workouts are my one sanity. The one thing I've been able to get right in my time lately. I try and let it be the outlet for all my energy and stress so I can step back into my day and cater to the doctors whom I work for...do my regular job. Usually I delight in taking work home and going the extra mile...but I can't now. It's hanging on by scraps of nails and bits of twine in the hopes that in the end this will blossom into something amazing. Something to transform cancer diagnosis. The reason I started this in the first place. I can make a real difference.

For now I'll just have to stare at a blinking cursor and type my damn words words words one after another.
Nothing else for it.

Geo out.....

2 comments:

Trent said...

That was beautiful, right up until the point you quit. You should have continued on to: "and if we look at the data from sample a, it's not consistent with the rest of the samples. Fine; this is science, we leave room for error, but..."

And just carried on. You'd be surprised what you can accomplish on a paper when carried with a good head of rantsteam.

Pacian said...

Have this :-) I had lying around. Hopefully you'll need it.